My Curséd Body.

Happy Christmas Eve (on my side of the world, anyway). Though I’m very much looking forward to this evening’s festivities, I will most likely have to abstain from anything which involves injesting, whether solid or not.

I spent a majority of last night crawled up into a ball on my bed trying to breath through the pain of each spasm in my upper abdomen as it felt like a red hot poker was repeatedly being plunged in my stomach then slowly pulled out, the repetition occuring every 5 minutes or so. I woke up this morning feeling rather well considering, though there is still a dull pain in my upper abs.

Here’s what people have speculated so far:

  1. My liver. The belief that I’ve been drinking too much and it’s catching up to me. I really don’t think this is the case as I’ve spent 2 nights drinking in the Philippines when you can usually find me drinking several nights a week in New York…
  2. Virus. Some kind of weird 24-hour flu virus. I’ve had a flu before and it was nothing like this.
  3. Acids in my stomach from previous food eaten. Could be, though honestly the pain was so bad that I felt nauseous from it.
  4. An actual curse. Though not purposeful there’s a superstition here which believes that some people carry such curses within them and when they feel a negative emotion towards another, the curse is placed on that person, regardless if it was meant to be placed. [Not gonna lie, after an hour of these awful, awful spasms… I started thinking, did someone curse me or something?!? Lol…]

Since I refuse to go to a doctor, I’ll probably never know what it was unless it happens again at which time I’ll probably be dragged [kicking & screaming] to the hospital. My guess though?

I probably drank the water.

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Unfamiliar Homes & Familiar Histories.

I’m currently in Ligaspi, Philippines visiting my grandmother’s ancestral home for the first time in my life and it’s a strange yet warming feeling to be here. I spent my first evening poring over old photographs of my grandmother, her siblings, her wedding to my beloved grandfather as well as images of my mother as a young child playing in the gardens of this old house. Looking at all of those photos makes me really want to go through all my archives of photographs both physical and digital and start placing them into books. After all, an image on the screen is nothing but 0s and 1s, and like my ancestors before me I hope to share my history in visual form with the generations that follow mine.

My second day was spent visiting historical churches and sites, one of which was Cagsawa, an entire town that was buried by the eruption of Mount Mayon on February 1, 1841. The only part of the town that can still be seen is the bell tower and some windows of the town’s church. It was incredible to stand there and touch the stones of the tower, knowing that I was touching history (as cliché as it may sound).

Present day Cagsawa & Mount Mayon, one of the world’s few perfectly cone-shaped volcanoes.

I can’t believe it’s only my second full day in the Philippines. Three more weeks to go!

It feels so good to be home. <3

fate, vampires & a new focus.

I used to read my horoscope in an almost religious fashion. Any magazine, paper or website that purported to predict my future or decipher my current situation always seemed to find it’s way into my greedy hands. This went on for several years until one day I decided to avoid reading such things. The reason was two-fold—

[one] I wanted to believe that I am the maker of my own fate.

and

[two] Reading or evening glancing at a string of words that seemed to project a knowledge of my past, present or future, influenced my own analyses of any given situation thereby causing me to make decisions, however conscious or subconscious, based on the alignment of the stars (probably not the most reliable source to go by).

Lately though, I’ve found myself reverting back to my old habit. It all started because of the ever-so-popular website astrologyzone.com which was recommended to me by a friend (I blame my spiral into relapse on him). I promised myself I would only read Susan Miller’s once a month predictions, but soon after I found myself scouring the web for daily horoscopes. Boo.

Today’s horoscope though seemed dead on—

Your thoughts are dreamy, fantastic, and faraway right now. Your imagination and intuition is heightened, which benefits any creative or artistic work you may do. However, your practical reasoning ability and your ability to focus on the here-and-now are diminished. Your judgement regarding concrete matters is a bit fuzzy at this time, so you may wish to delay making important decisions.

I’ve never been one to get lost in my daydreaming, nor do I often fantasize about things that don’t at least have a touch of the realistic yet lately I find myself drifting off into my own little Ena world in which impossible situations come to life in my head. I’ve also been having vivid dreams of vampires trapping me and groups of strangers in a building in which the only saving grace is reaching the 5th floor and a room made of glass.

So, so strange.

This post in and of itself speaks to the scattered state of my mind. I’m sure it makes no sense to anyone but me… though it is helping me a bit to gather my frayed thoughts into something that I at least find comprehensible.

I think this is all because I’m leaving for the Philippines. Whenever I go, whether I mean to or not, I completely separate myself from my life in the United States. I avoid computers, run around a lot and spend my time being the country girl that I am. Maybe my mind is just getting ready for the 3 weeks I’ll be spending staring at clouds as I lay in a rice field. Or maybe I’m just losing my mind.

Regardless, I am very much looking forward to this trip.

I am going to take those 3 weeks to stop fussing over the trivialities I’ve been focusing on for the last few months. I’m determined to clear my head.

My main focus is to stop thinking on what will never be, and instead appreciate what’s to come.

Ah. Therapy in the form of home.